Locked In

If you’ve never had an anxiety attack, then you’re one of the lucky ones. I hear that everyone experiences them differently, some are more severe that others. I believe that, I can see that and I’d never wish it upon my worse enemy. This past year I had something happen to me that was rather traumatic. I never thought I’d have to go through it, and I didn’t think it would affect me the way that it did. I’m not ready to talk about what exactly happened but it hurt and hurt someone very close to me.

At first I was in shock that it happened, sad that it happened, disappointed. Frankly I blamed myself for what had happened. It wasn’t my fault but I thought if I could take all the blame it would absolve her from her pain. At first things were…. they weren’t good but they could’ve been worse. So we made things work around what was going on. I didn’t think anything would happen, I didn’t know what to expect but something happened. Around the middle of February, which is the heart of midterm season I began feeling this pressure in my chest, I began to withdraw into myself, which lead to a lot of self hate. I was always scared, panicked, and depressed. Let me explain what happened. I had this pressure in my chest, this horrible feeling that I thought wouldn’t go away. I tried talking to my ex-girlfriend thinking her voice would calm me, it didn’t. I thought working out would but I was to tired from being woken up by the dreams I began having.

I remember standing in line to get coffee. My heart started beating, faster and faster. I started picking at the skin around my fingers, sweating, and my breathing got faster. I couldn’t stand there anymore. I went back to my car and broke down, sobbing, feeling so alone. What was happening? Was this going to be a regular occurrence? Was I losing my mind? Well it did become a regular occurrence. I wasn’t losing my mind just everything I’d built.

What had I built? I’d built this life, this person, me, out of scraps and junk. I’d cut corners and done things half assed. They were starting to bubble to the surface. I wasn’t happy, I was afraid of being alone. When I was alone so many things would creep into my mind. They’d linger, take up residence and would chip away at what I built. I would say a lot of the things I built in my life, the lessons I learned in life were formed around hate. I learned to hate instead of just learning to accept that it happened. I hated a lot of things for no reason. I hated people because they’d piss me off, they’d leave, they’d do something that harmed me. I had so many reasons for hate and so little reasons for love. Even as I write this now I’m fairly agitated…. but this is with the bank so I feel like its justified.

I hated so many things and in return they hated me. They broke me down from the inside and thats what was causing the pressure, the anxiety, the fear. So what did I do? I did nothing. I promised that I’d go see a doctor about this and I did for a while… it kind of helped. I learned more from reading than I did from talking to a doctor. I learned and it truly just made me feel incredibly stupid, but in life you get what you put in. All I did was hate, and wonder why bad things were happening. Now my anxiety won’t go away because I will it to. Its there right now, it was there when I decided to start this blog and its there with most of the things I do. Its a part of me but its not the part of me that I let control me.

Some days its hard to be positive. Some days its hard to be happy. Somedays its just hard to be. I take my time in the mornings, I let myself feel what I need to. So if I need to scream, yell, cry, I take 10 minutes in the morning to do so. Then I get on with my day. I can’t stress this enough but you’re in control of your own happiness. Now I’m not saying you don’t have things in your life that will make you sad. Like take for example me, I’m going through a break up. I’m okay, I’m doing a lot of things to keep my mind occupied. Reading, working out, watching tv, all kinds of things… and yes sometimes I’m not doing these things for me, just out of spite. But I control what I do, I find time to do things that I like, thats not saying I’m going to have a giant smile on my face all day. Things cross my mind all the time and it’ll make me sad. But heres what I do. In any given day I’ll have fleeting moments of happiness. Moments where I won’t be thinking of the anxiety, where I won’t be thinking about my ex, moments where I’m just thinking, where there isn’t any kind of pain, or stress. I think about those moments and its almost like a snowball effect. One thing leads to another and another and then I’m fine. I have these feelings because I’m human, I have these feelings because I’m healing myself the right way. I have these feelings this isn’t forever and I find solace in that.

Stay positive is the hardest thing in the world to do. There are just days where it feels like everything is against me. Those are the days where I just take my time, think of all the good things and just get on with my day. I’ve said it a million times, but the little things add up.