When I first had the idea of this blog, I really wanted to write about things I’m passionate about. Things like Sports, Love, and Travel. Obviously its been a little different, I’m writing about the things I feel. I’m cataloguing my adventure, both physically and mentally with every intention on looking back in a year and be happy with the path I’ve taken.
I didn’t really want to write a post today. I didn’t really want to do anything today. I didn’t know what to write about. I had drive down to Lakeshore to attend a seminar about traveling to Finland and then do groceries. Not things I really wanted to do. But being an adult means you have to do things you don’t want to do. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately… For example, I did not think that having to change my routine around would be this hard. Normally when I woke up the first person I texted was my girlfriend. Now she’s gone. She was my favourite person to talk too. When I saw her name on my phone my heart filled. Now she’s just a name that I can’t talk to. Its been the most difficult part of this whole ordeal, not talking to her. Now I’m not saying I have no one to talk to but when you’re with someone they begin to feel like they’re all yours. Thats the feeling that I’m missing. Its sort of lonely. It has however allowed me to fill my time with working out, writing posts for this blog, reading and finishing my book. All fairly productive things so its not all bad.
She was the last person I talked to before bed. Now I just lay down and close my eyes. Some times I read a book or I go for a drive. Those drives are nice, I can sit stare at the road and just talk to myself. It might sound crazy but its helping me work through this. Its helping me cope with the loss. It means I’m not keeping things in, not letting them turn to anger. All of these things are great, and give me outlets but it doesn’t change the fact that I miss her. Sometimes I catch myself wishing she’d text me saying she missed me, but we’re not kids anymore.
Sounds sad right? Not sad like I need someone to feel sorry for me, sad. But sad, that this kind of stuff has to happen. Since we’ve been broken up all I’ve been able to do is think of all these really good memories. It makes me miss her but its better than stewing. I think about all the fun times, her smile, her laugh, all the things about her I enjoyed. I loved her, so its normal for me to miss her. I said its sad because going through heart break isn’t easy. Its hard, its painful, and it can be devastating. People cope with it in so many ways. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. Aside from all the things I listed off before I’ll tell you what I’m doing.
I’ve accepted the fact that I cannot change peoples minds. I’ve accepted that people are going to say and do shitty things and all you can do is react. You can do it positively or you can do it negatively. And lastly, I’ve accepted that no matter what you’re going through, it happened for a reason. I hate that!!! I hate it because it means I have to sit here and go through this. I have to sit here and be fucking sad. I hate it because its true and I can’t do a god damn fucking thing about it. But heres the funny thing, I get these moments of happiness and because I’m sad I enjoy them more.
Thats where I am today. Thats what I feel today. I’m sad, I miss my best friend. I miss talking to her. I just miss her and thats fine because I loved her. All I can do now is do things that’ll make me happy. All I can do now is wait and let the lesson here unfold. It sucks and I don’t want to do it…. but thats what being an adult is all about. Doing things you don’t want to do.