A few years ago one of my best friends committed suicide. He hung himself after a really hard break up. Adam, dated this girl Katie and they met at work when they were 15 years old. They had a love that was really cool. She filled the gaps he had, and she filled the gaps she had. They lived together and well they did so much together. Adam struggled with depression. A very bad case of it. He relied heavily on Katie and she was completely okay with it. She loved him and held his hand when he needed it. He leaned on me and I was okay with it.
One day I received a phone call, late at night after I’d been studying in the library … I was actually watching Les Miserables. Any way I take the call and Adam tells me that Katie and him broke up. He told me that he was going to propose. Her reason for breaking up with him, she needed him to find himself. At the time I didn’t understand that. As a matter of fact I blamed her, I was mad at her and well this sounds bad but, I wished that she was the one who took her own life. I think thats normal when you go through something like that. I was also mad at my best friend. His mom made me give the eulogy and you know what? I stood there in front of all these people and all the sadness hit me and I looked at Katie sitting in the back and there were so many people who were blaming her. I looked at her, red eyes, huge bags under them, pale, sick looking and thought to myself this isn’t her fault. Theres enough guilt and hate and she doesn’t need another person going against her. Everyone in here can blame her but I can’t because I don’t want her to feel or do the same thing Adam did. Hate is a heavy thing, take it from someone who’s hated a lot, hated himself, its not a good feeling. No one deserves to feel that. Love is hard but its something thats worth it, something thats painful, but its strong and gave me the courage to leave that podium and hug her in front of an entire room of people that probably hated her.
Everyone got a note, and she was kind enough to let me read hers. Kind enough to allow me to publish it here, kind enough to show me that Adam loved and he loved hard and there isn’t anything wrong with that. As I read this note, I’ve read it a few times over the years but I think I’m old enough to understand the pain, and the power of love. To see that its been inside of me this whole time. Forgiving someone feels a hundred times better than hating someone. Its less baggage to carry around.
She told me when she broke up with Adam that she regretted it. She didn’t know what she was thinking, that she was afraid that she hadn’t built a life without him. And now all she has is a box of photos and well an engagement ring that he never got to give her while he was alive. She’s taken her time but she’s forgiven herself and lives her life traveling I think. When she left Toronto she definitely ran away but I think she fell in love with traveling. Heres the note,
“Kate, you’re the love of my life. You’re the one I’ve always fought for and I know I can’t love someone else the way I love you. It’s been you all along. My beginning, my middle my end, you are that for me. I’ve been distant, I’ve been cold and absent and thats because I don’t feel the happiness anymore. When I’m with you, you ease my suffering, you calm me when the waters are rough. This is a patch that I’m not going to make it out of. Babe I can’t see the end of the darkness. I can’t ask you to come with me to help because sweetheart, there are people here who need your light, and I’ll only extinguish it. I said I hated you, but love, I never could. Katie this isn’t your fault, you had nothing to do with this choice. In fact you’re the one that makes this so incredibly hard. Don’t let anyone tell you other wise. You made those dark days so much better. You made me pan cakes in your underwear and one of my old shirts every Saturday, you held my hand down the board walk, you picked me up when I got drunk with the boys, you understood when I needed to be with my buddy, you waited when I was away, you always stitched me up when I got into fights and got my ass kicked. Katie, you’re perfect but you deserve better, I can’t keep bringing you to this level. Katie, I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed or deserved. Kit-Kat I love you so incredibly much. Please don’t be mad at me cause I won’t be there to hug you and kiss you on the forehead, or pick you up and lock you outside in the balcony until you forgave me. I love you, I have ever since you stole my first kiss. You’re my sunshine, and you make the world a better place. I’ll see you on the otherside my love, my Kit-Kat.”