Tonight 🌓

It drapes over me like a robe

There is no warning

There are no precautionary steps

It’s rather melancholy

Its almost like a part of me

It is me

Each time it takes something different

Sometimes it’s slow and painful

Other times is quick and gruesome

Tonight it holds me captive, draped in this heavy robe

Locked in a room

It watches me struggle to get to the door

The weight from the robe is unbearable

I get to the door

It was never going to be that easy

As I reach for the handel

I’m dragged back to my chair

Handcuffed to the arms, my robe remains

Something cold runs across my face

Pain

Then the words

“You are all alone”

More pain as my fingernails are pealed off one by one

“You are no good” 

Left hook, right hook, the rattle of my teeth hitting the floor

“You should have killed yourself”

My shoes are taken off, the cold runs along my Achilles, more pain, torturous pain

I watch as blood pools at my feet

“I’m going to kill you, I’m going to make you suffer, I’m going to make you beg for me to end you”

The sound of bone breaking fills the room as something hard and wooden connects with my face

Blood can be heard dripping onto the floor

Drip

Drip

It’s shattering glass, I can’t see it, I can’t lift my head, my robe is to heavy

The chair, my throne, is dragged and I can see light

A door, wide open blinding me with light, hope and escape

The handcuffs are undone, I’m pulled to my feet

“If you get to the end you can go free. But you’re a mongrel, and a pathetic excuse for a man” 

Maybe I am

I don’t even know how this happened

I don’t know why this happened, or why it keeps happening

“You’ll get half way and you’ll beg like the dog that you are and ask me to kill you. You’ll beg.”

Maybe I will, maybe I should ask now

I’m alone, I’m in pain, if I was good I wouldn’t be in this position

Maybe I should, what’s a few more days or weeks or months or years of this pain? It’ll come to an end… right?

My arms are pulled out in front of me, a knife is run up my arms

More pain, more pain as salt is rubbed into the cavernous gashes

Beg

There is to much pain, I remain silent

My leg is pulled out in front of me

“This will hurt” 

The sound of my kneecap shattering is blood curling

As is my howl of pain

Please, why? Why is this happening?”

Laughter

“You can go, but I’m going to stand here; watch you struggle with that heavy robe, watch you crawl, watch you bleed, watch you cry in pain, listen to you beg, watch the glass cut you over and over. I’m going to watch you die, slowly and as painful as possible. It’ll just be me and you.” 

I should just take one of these shards as slit my throat

My body is broken

My mind is broken, I’m alone and I’m going to die here, where ever here is

I begin to crawl, each shard digs into my skin

Laughter

My eyes begin to close, I’m so tired, I’m so cold

I should ask, I should beg to die

The words don’t come out, I don’t think I want them too, I’m so close

I reach out and a sharp metal rod is driven deep into my outstretched hand

I’m stuck, I have to beg, I have to!

“Come on, beg you piece of shit! Beg your master!” 

Is that what I am? A slave to this perceived master?

Maybe I am

It’s not the first time I’ve been tortured like this

It’s not the first time I’ve been tasked with this fucking robe

Again, the words do not come out

I begin pulling my hand towards me, ripping through flesh and bone so I can keep moving

The laughter has stopped

“You stupid little bitch.” 

I’m getting closer and closer, I can feel the warmth of the light on my face

I look up

My head is driven into the glass, my eye goes black and pain shoots through my skull

I’m going to die

I’m not going to make it

I’m going to bleed out

I should beg my master…

No

“Now you’re half blind, and you’re bleeding out. Face it, you’re going to die here”

No

Laughter

I keep crawling

I haven’t bleed out yet, I’m going to make it

I reach out and rest my hand on cold damp concrete

I’m almost there

I inch my way closer and closer all the while ignoring the cursing coming from whatever else is in this room with me

I drag my dead leg across the last bit of glass

I’m pulled to my feet

“You should’ve begged”

It’s fingers dig deep into my chest, breaking the skin, slowly inching closer and closer to my beating heart

I feel the cold fingers grip around it

I don’t have anything left to give

“I’m not letting you leave.” 

Everything begins to go dark

These are my last breathes

My body broke, my mind wavered, I doubted myself but I made it

I didn’t give up

“You’re going to die here”

I’m going to die on my own terms.”

My body is broken

I’m tired

Maybe these are my last breathes

Maybe I will die here

Maybe I’ll live

Tonight I’ll live, that’s my choice

“This will happen again, I will…”

“Then know that there isn’t anything you can do, or say, to get me to beg you to end my life. Nothing” 

Laughter

Maybe I’m stupid

Or maybe I’m stubborn, resilient, determined, driven, focused, ready

My broken mangled body is placed into the light

I know it’ll heal

I know this isn’t over

There will be more pain, more suffering

But

I won’t give up

I learned that

Tonight 🌗