Orientation was … well it was more of an informational session. We learned about a lot of things including how to pay for rent, that stressed me out. I transferred the money to a friend and she’ll do the rest. So in about a week we’ll find out.
Tonight there’s a party that we’ll be attending. I’m looking forward to it because it’ll be nice to meet some people. It’ll be nice to socialize rather than being couped up inside watching movies. It’ll be nice to forget that I’m sad. Externally, I look happy, smiling, joking, and laughing. Internally I sorta miss home, well the routine of it. It’s another language, culture, country, it’s all different. I can easily keep in touch with my friends which has been nice.
I’m sad now because I’m scared that I’m going to lose my best friend. Not like she’s going to die (she very well could) I don’t know, nor can I control it so I don’t really worry about that. But lose her in the sense that when I get home she won’t want to be friends anymore, she’ll have moved on with someone new and forget me. Again not something I can control. So why am I scared? I can’t control anything she does, right? Right.
I started this blog because I wanted to document the restructure of my life. I look back and I can say that I’m surprised and happy with the progress. Sure a lot of my writing/documentation is about this girl that I dated. A girl that I love, a girl… is this blog about her? No, it’s about my life and I’m looking back and It makes me sad because I can see how much of a part of me she is. So by that I guess you can say the blog makes me both happy and sad. More happy than sad but not by a large margin.
I do miss my best friend. By last nights conversation I can tell … okay last nights and the other nights conversation I know she misses me. What I didn’t tell her was that I’m sorry. Sorry that I fell apart, sorry that we’re apart right now, sorry that I didn’t just tell her I needed her. What I didn’t tell her was that I didn’t want to let go of her when we last saw one another that I wanted to kiss her. I wouldn’t take another path because I know that this is the path I’m supposed to be on.
I wish she was here, I’d share this small shitty bed, keep her warm and share the adventure. Those aren’t the cards I was dealt though. All I want is her but right now that’s not something I can have. It may never be that way again… so I hope she’s happy. I hope she’s safe. Sounds like I’m unselfish huh? No but what the fuck else can I say? It’s about to get cold in Finland. So I’ll just focus on staying warm.