Last Words 🔊

People often give a lot of weight to a persons last words. Thinking about my last words is a bit weird but when I think about it. There will be a lot of them. Think about it. Let’s say I meet you today and say “We’ll hang out again soon” and I get hit by a car and die. Those are my last words to you. But when I came out to meet you I probably said “Bye mom love you” to my mom and those are my last words to her.

Last words can be a bit over rated. They shouldn’t be the thing people remember most. We put stock into them and attribute them to the character of that person. Which is ass because I could end this post with something anti-Semitic then go out and be attacked by a bear. I’m in Finland it’s entirely possible. Those would be my last words and people would be like “Holy shit! How long has Adel been holding onto that one?” Yeah no thanks.

But I understand the “Importance” of them. I’ve left one person with probably a sour taste in her mouth when it comes to me and my words. If you’ve been following me you know who it is. Well my last words, like actual spoken words were something along the lines of “See you later” I should’ve just said what I really wanted. “I can’t stop loving you.” My last physically written words to her were along those lines. My last text was something about pain and missing her and how I’m just…. a boy trying to act like a boy and a huge pansy. A lot of the times I wanna punch myself in the face.

I know or at least now I hope that she knows I just really miss her. 7 hour time difference, now I don’t see her at all. I know if I was home I’d see her often. I’m going to stop, I was good to her always and I know that’s what she remembers. It’s cliche to say “She made me open up blah blah blah” but she did, she got me to lower the walls and let her in. Yes right now I’d like to punch myself in the face because I should’ve left my last words as … text words as “I miss you more” She knows I miss her and I’d love to talk to her. Like actually talk to her. Tell her how much I miss home, tell her how even though right now I’m doing big things I’m weary of screwing up, so many things, so many fucking things. Mostly though I want to look her in the eyes and say sorry for this and just leave it there.

Someone brought this to my attention about my last post about why I won’t just sleep with someone else. So here it is, I gave some reasons but the one I omitted is, I don’t want to. Right now if I did it would feel like cheating. I can’t fathom it … unless it’s with Anne Hathaway and even then it’s just me taking it slow. Maybe a movie, bowling a night out then a kiss goodnight. Then we play that game of who texts first… okay back to reality, I don’t want to. I don’t want to date someone else I don’t think about dating someone else, it’s obvious that I think about her a lot. I’d say 96% of my posts are about her. I also know she reads these but that’s not why I write, I write because I love it. I want to be able to look back and be proud of this, and writing makes me happy even though some of these posts are sad. Anyway we’ve left the path entirely so pay attention below!

I can mask the fear with all the cockiness I want. That fear though is a good thing, means I have something to lose. I try and tell myself that everyday. My first and last words are always, and I’ll leave them here

“I have everything to lose and everything to gain. Fear is for those who don’t try. Try.”