Hurt

In my last post, I touched on the topic of sexual misconduct, abuse, assault, and rape. I may not have outright said it, but there were definite¬†undertones that it was something on my mind. Why? Have I ever done any of these things? Regrettably, the answer might be, yes. Sexual assault has a very annoying skewed definition, it’s classified as “any type of sexual contact or behaviour that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.” Now reading this carefully it definitely¬†sounds like rape can be incorporated into this definition.

Perhaps I’m thinking of this all wrong. I’ve never done anything with any of my partners that I didn’t make sure they were okay with. Then I think about the relationships I’ve been in. Every time I’ve ever had sex with a girlfriend, it’s kind of just happened or I asked, or I turned around, and she wasn’t wearing pants (That was a code that my first girlfriend used.) There have been times where I’ve wanted sex more than she has and sometimes I got shut down because of perfectly valid reasons. I’ve never forced myself on anyone, I think I’ve asked every girl I’ve ever kissed if I could kiss them. Do I do it because I’m afraid of being wrong, afraid of being one of those guys? No, it’s just better to ask especially if you’re not sure. So Adel, why are you writing on this? Why did you say you might be someone that’s sexually assaulted¬†someone? Because I can think of one thing I did with an ex that I’ve regretted and apologized for, but I did it. I won’t go into detail, but I think when I get home I’ll have to find a way to talk to her about it and apologize.

I’ve been thinking about her and my mistake a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about her a lot because well she’s all I’ve really been able to think about consistently¬†for the 97 days I’ve been out here. Then there are the cases on the news and the fact that a few people here have opened up to me and talked about there experiences, on both sides. I’ve heard stories about the feeling you get when you hear someone say that you might have raped someone. A story recalling a time they got drugged at a bar. The moment they were almost raped. Or some guy stuck a hand in her pants, the list is endless. When someone tells you these things there is anger, there is sadness, I’ve dished out some hugs recently that I didn’t know I had in me. You can ask anyone, Adel Mohammed is not really an affectionate person. Okay, if you ask my ex she’ll tell you I am, that’s because I liked hugging her… and she smelled nice, but I traditionally I don’t like to dish out hugs or be touched or any of that kind of stuff. ¬†Back on point, it breaks your heart to hear that someone had to go through this. I hope one day my daughter isn’t coming to me telling me any of this, I hope one day my son isn’t telling me he did any of this. I’ve been thinking about the subject a lot, I’ve been trying to write my next short story loosely around the subject.

I’ve been reading, and I’ve read stories from both sides. Not exactly the easiest things to read, I’ve also asked some friends to discuss their stories with me so I can get a better … Honestly, I think about talking to them about this, and I know it’ll be hard. So why am I doing it? It’s two-fold, I think it’s time I grew as a writer and actually wrote a proper story from scratch. Meaning I’d write on a topic I wasn’t heavily associated with. Secondly, maybe it’ll help someone, the talk, or the story. I don’t know, all I’ve got written is an opening. It’s also a challenge, and when I say it out loud or write it like I’ve done here, it makes me feel horrible. This is a subject that I don’t take lightly, it is a subject that I’m somewhat associated with. I don’t know how to end this post, maybe with a quote that someone told me. “These things happen, they happen all the time, and they’ll continue to happen. It’s the reason that in the back of my mind I think you’ll hurt me, that he’ll hurt me, that if you’re a man, you will hurt me.” That wasn’t written down, it’s just stayed with me since being told that and it keeps me up at night.