Not Like This

We?

No.

But…

No. I told you, it’s different. You are just like the rest

But…

You have to understand that

Can we…

No, you’re making this weird

Am I? I guess I’m just the problem huh?

If that’s the way…

Let me interrupt you for a minute; you were the one that did this

You were the one that left me with hope

But I drink too much

I missed you too much

I fucked up too much!

Yeah you go ahead and blame me

Blame you? Honey, I’m not accusing you but look at your hands, they aren’t clean

Whatever looks like you’re…

I drank too much, I missed you too much, but they went hand in hand. I drank because I missed you, I missed you because I drank.

Funny how that works huh? But I never had to explain to you my substance abuse

I laugh at it; I mock it to take away the pain it makes me feel, I didn’t think I needed to explain

It’s my past; it’ll stay there because if I bring it with me, I’ll fall apart

You’re crazy, I’m leaving

Fine, I’m not stopping you, I can’t, not anymore

I sat in a hospital bed, missing you, scared out of my mind.

Head, back, ribs, stomach, throat and legs, all in pain

If every conversation we have has to start with the words I’m sorry then you need to look in the mirror. I won’t sit around and watch you hurt yourself, watch while you fall apart.”

That was gospel, that was the truth

Everything goes through my mind; I’m an alcoholic, I’m a problem, I don’t deserve anyone yet alone you

“It’s what you drank.”

Those words changed everything, but I didn’t need you to worry, I didn’t need another fucking lecture

What do you mean?

I know that going to the bar means never let your drink out of your sight

Pardon?

It doesn’t matter; you don’t want to hear it. I told you I wanted you to hate me, no. Look at what I did without trying, you didn’ hate, but you definitely didn’t like, anymore.

You know that’s not true

When it comes to you here’s what I know, I don’t fit anymore, maybe I never did. I’m tired of trying; I’m tired of keeping this to myself

Is this what you meant, is this what you’ve been holding on to?

I pushed you away by going out of my way to tell you that I really didn’t want to talk to you

You’re the only one I wanted to talk too

I made a mistake, and I tried to apologise

But I’m tired of you thinking I’m some kind of bastard.

A

No. I’m that same person

Except now I know it doesn’t work

Now I’m not willing to fight

But it doesn’t stop me from thinking about my best friend

But I guess this is just my problem; you’ve moved on

I won’t get a chance to explain

Just publish this post and watch it fade into obscurity

A

No, this is it, I’m letting go, of you, of this bottle and of this ledge