Finland Pt. 6 🇫🇮

As mentioned in the previous post, my laptop was stolen, along with some other things. I’m at home in Toronto, showered in a proper shower, slept in my big ass bed and played video games… sort of. I’ve been busy since I came home. Below you’ll find what I had written and saved; you’ll also see the rest of the post. I’d like to wish all the readers and followers a very Merry Christmas, and a joyous holiday season.

QWhile this post is entitled, “Finland Pt. 6” I thought about calling it “Comin’ Home.” Every time I came back home from university, I’d play “Comin’ Home” It’s a song by one of my favourite artist, City and Colour or Dallas Green. I saw him in concert a few summers ago, sang along to every song, and swayed to every slow song. I’ve been a huge fan of his for a long time, and I encourage you to youtube some of his music. In the song ‘Comin Home” he sings about coming home, about being on tour, knowing that it’s a cycle, but he misses home. The song also mentions a girl and the hardship of long-distance dating.  I’d play this song when I came home because it was aptly named and I liked to lean my head against the window and daydream out the window. Now I could relate to the song because long-distance dating is taxing. But now I think I can connect to it even more.

I came to Finland with a plan. Be a better Adel, do well in school, and get the girl. I’ve written about my ex on numerous occasions. A lot of the poetry and early writing is about her. I cannot express it in words but not only did she have a profound effect on me and push me to be better, but I’ve never loved someone more in my life. Even though it’s been a long time since our break up, I think about her, and I still do love and care for her. I needed this adventure more than I let on, not because of my break up, but because I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. I kept looking ahead, I’d propose to my girlfriend most romantically, we’d move in together, I’d get a career job, we’d live in the city blah blah blah kids, taxes and death. There is nothing wrong with trying to map out your life, but when you set it in stone, the chances of you becoming obsessed with it are pretty good. That’s where I was, and it’s why this break up has been hard for me. I’m not saying it was easy for her, breakups suck.

My plan for being out here went out the window because I hated it. Planning has its perks, but going with the flow and following your gut is pretty good too. I knew this experience would change me, not because everyone told me but because the signs are in a different fucking language! Something was going to change, and I was going to pick up words and customs. I like learning about different cultures and people, and I knew I’d try to learn as much as I could about Finns and Finland. I did that because it’s who I am. I’m a nerd, and I had a list of all these things I needed to see. I knocked down most of them, I saw Old Trafford, I visited the Guinness Brewery, I went to the cliffs of Moher and peered over the edge, I went to Rome alone and saw the Colosseum, I went to Paris apart and saw the Louvre and Eiffel Tower, and I went to Madrid and saw the Santiago Bernabeu Stadium. The last three might sound insignificant, but I did those alone. I do come off as confident, but I struggle with it all the time. But the amount of travelling I did alone just showed me that I need to take those risks. It also helped me reclaim my ability to be independant. It stopped being about someone else and just became about me. I didn’t forget, I could never, it just became more imprtant to look after myself. It’s what I’ve taken back from Finland. Personal growth is always something I can be proud of and nothing about the last 5 months have been easy.

Truth be told I miss Finland, I miss being on my own. It truly was the adventure of a lifetime and one that I’ll never forget. That there is the final photo I took in Helsinki. It is at the Christmas Market and I think its where I left my Christmas spirit.

Goodnight 🌑

Goodnight
Nothing
Heavy eyes, restless thoughts and a broken heart
Only company is a dim computer screen
Eyes closed
Its not a dream, its a memory
“Goodnight honey”
Tears pool in the corners and fall onto the pillow
Theres no more honey
Goodnight
Nothing
Restless thoughts makes for a restless sleep
There aren’t any more dreams
Just
More memories
“Goodnight Baby. Love you”
Suddenly they all come flooding back
Tossing and turing
The tears on the pillow replaced by sweat
Over head the Ceiling fan providing a subtle break in the heat of the summer night
The sheets have been kicked away
Wide awake, laboured breathing
Heavy eyes filled with tears
It was a simple as
“Goodnight”

You ⚾️

The rain is unrelenting

Its cold and jagged

Thunder roars overhead and Lightning sets the sky ablaze

I can’t hear myself think

My shoes fill with water

Each step heavy and uncomfortable

“You look like you could use an Umbrella” 

I wipe away the long curly hair from my face and there you are

You smile and it makes me forget how cold I am

Your eyes make me forget that I’m drenched

You take my hand and I forget that its raining

“Lets get you out of the rain and somewhere warm”

Darling, I’ll go anywhere with you

You open the door and suddenly we’re out of the rain

“You can stay here for as long as you want”

And what if thats forever?

“Forever sounds lovely”

Darling, lovely is what you are

I’m drawn to the fireplace, I’m still shivering

You place a blanket over my damp cold body

You take your place right next to me

I don’t know how to thank you

I thought I’d be out there forever

You rest you head on my shoulder

Your eyes meet mine

My hand reaches for yours

“I don’t want you to let go, promise me you won’t”

I won’t

Now don’t you let get, that how I got out there in the first place

I wrap my arms around you

Home

“I hope its you”

Its you

“Then why are you leaving?”

Because theres something I need to do, something I need to find before I come home

To

You

“Then I’m going to love you until you’re home with me where you belong”

Belong?

“Out of the rain and home with me”

With

You

 

 

 

 

 

Roses 🥀

Another set of head lights

Maybe its her

It isn’t

Radio station after radio station

None of these songs sound the same

An empty passenger side

His hand reaching for hers

Another empty bottle

He’s been having trouble sleeping

“I miss you”

She’s been having trouble sleeping

Another empty glass

Her hand reaching for his

Theres no one beside her

Somehow the conversation isn’t the same

Subject after subject

Its never him

“I miss you”

She doesn’t say it

“I love you”

He doesn’t say it

He wants her to say it

She knows he does

He’s sad again

She’s sad again

“I miss you”

They both know, they’re both sad

He hopes this is temporary

She hopes he knows she still loves him

He hopes she still loves him

She hopes he still loves her

He loves her

She loves him

He hopes this is temporary

She hopes

“I miss you”

Neither one of them hits send

Another empty bottle, because he’s been having trouble sleeping

 

 

 

 

Pain❣️

Sweet child write what’s in your heart

In my heart?

Yes, write what you feel?

What if I feel two things? Two things that are the opposite of one another?

Write Child

Your hand fit perfectly in mine

Now they fit into someone else’s

I loved to make you laugh

I can’t even make myself laugh right now

We could talk for hours

I haven’t spoken to you in god knows how long

The sight of you used to excite me

Now it just hurts

You don’t notice when I’m around anymore

Your words were once warm now they’re cold

I miss you is followed by silence

I miss you is followed by; I know you’re doing fine

I miss more than what I’ve listed

I miss the smile, the kisses, the hugs, the girl in my corner

I miss knowing … you

I miss the days when I though you were the one

I simply miss you

Do you see?

Do you see what’s in your heart?

Love.

You don’t feel two different things,

Love is strong and Love, well its painful

Right now Pain is what you have to feel

Because if you don’t feel it it isn’t love

Pain is what makes you stronger

Pain is what makes your love grow

Pain is Love and Love is pain

Cry if you must because thats love, thats pain, and they’re the same child

 

Whiskey 🥃

I woke up, tired, drunk and alone

My hand looks for you

Instead it finds a cold glass bottle

Whiskey spent the night

One shot, our first kiss

Second shot, I love you

Third shot, I love you too

Fourth shot, I’m pregnant

Fifth shot,  I miss you

Sixth shot, I’m sorry

No more shots, I don’t want to feel this anymore

I don’t want to feel anything

I don’t want to miss you

I don’t want to love you

I was drinking to forget you

But Honey, I can’t

You can’t forget the ones you love

You can’t forget the ones you shared with

You can’t forget the ones you let in

No amount of Whiskey will kill this feeling

Feel it

 

 

 

 

Honey 🍯

 

This one is for you

 Whats it like to fall in love?

Well,

Its frightening

Its powerful

Its a little confusing

Maybe you’ve never felt this way before.

Maybe it starts with a thought

Or maybe a look

Maybe she grabs your hand

Maybe she looks you in the eyes

Maybe you want to kiss her, but not in a room full of people

Maybe you spend hours talking

Maybe she drops hints

You definitely know

You doubt it, you question it because falling in love is hard.

Or is it?

Maybe you’re already there

Maybe you’re just afraid because of how you love,

Deep

Passionate

Fiercely

You can’t stop it because before you’ve even said it you know you love her

Maybe she tells you how she feels

You think about kissing her

Maybe she wants you to

You kiss her

Maybe she loves it

You kissed her

Maybe she can’t stop thinking about it

You can’t

And then something happens

You open up

You lower the draw bridge, roll out the red carpet

There aren’t anymore maybes

She comes in

You show her around, you open all the doors, even the ones with the “DO NOT OPEN” signs

She tells you its fine, that she’ll open them with you

Then something happens

She lowers her draw bridge and does the same for you

You promise to be delicate with her, her heart, her feelings

She smiles

You kiss

I love you

Nothing

Whiskey

Barbells

Phone call

I love you too. It scares me how much I love you, but I love you

It makes you cry

She loves you and you love her

You take turns opening doors

Holding hands, kissing, I love you

Babe, Honey, Sweetheart, Baby, Gorgeous, Honey, Honey, Honey

Honey fills you with joy

She spends the night, you kiss, you cuddle, the maybes are gone because this is love

Sex

Cuddling, I love you babe, more than you know.

She spends the whole next day

I love you

I love you the most

I love you the mostest

You smile, you kiss her, she kisses you

It goes from fall to winter and snow starts to cover things

A green skirt a white shirt and maroon bed sheets

She lays there, you love her and she loves you

This time sex is different, its more intimate

She leaves, you tell her to drive safe

A Christmas party

She spends the night

I love you, I’m going to love you for the rest of my life

You mean it

She’s your girl and you’re her guy

Babe, you’re the love of my life

You mean it

Its a new year, you fight, you doubt yourself

She’s upset, she retreats a little within her walls

You go for coffee, she doesn’t talk much

Outside in the freezing cold you grab her and hold her tight

In the drive way she tells you how hurt she was to hear that, she tells you that she has something to tell you

You know what it is, you say nothing

You’re going to be a dad

A vacation, morning sickness, nausea, emotions, you see and say nothing

She tells you, happiness, dad

Positive

You’re going to be a dad she’s going to be a mom

The love of your life is giving you what you want most

Logic, we can’t

You want it

You’re scared

She’s scared

Maybe

No

5 Minutes to hear a heartbeat

5 Minutes

Sadness

Hate

Selfhate

More Sadness

You’re devastated but you won’t let her see that

More fighting

Maybe she’s going to hate you

Maybe she’s going to be mad at you

Maybe this is your fault

She does hate you

She is mad at you

This is your fault

You hate yourself

You should have done more

You hate yourself

Honey?

Panic

Anxiety

You hate yourself

You love her

You need her

Tell her!

Nothing

You hate yourself

More fighting

Anxiety

Honey?

Anxiety

Hate

Sadness

Scotch

Sadness

Tears

Yelling

You love her…

Maybe she loves you

Maybe she hates you

You hate you

The pots empty, no more honey

You hate yourself

No more Talking

No more Kissing

No more You

No more Her

No more Love? 

No, thats always been there

What remains is hope,

Hope, that you’ll see that this wasn’t your fault

This wasn’t your fault

What remains is the love you had… still have

Its what you’ll need to forgive yourself

Its what you’ll need to rebuild a part of yourself

Its whats been inside of you all along

Its why you can’t get her out of your mind

Love is hard, hate is easy and you’ve never taken the easy road, when you try it just doesn’t work

I love you Honey

Thank you