Paris Pt. 3 🇫🇷

My last full day in Paris I wanted to do all the lame tourist things. So the Louvre, Cathedral of Norte Dame, the Grande Palace, the Pantheon, the Sacre-Coeur, Tuileries Garden, Laduree, and the Catacombs of Paris. If you’re reading that list and you’re rolling your eyes, I walked to all of these, so I’m sure I saw a lot more. I think Christmas in Paris is just … let’s go with, Magical. During the day there are all the decorations and festive vibe that overcomes the city and during the night everything gets lite up and the city sparkles.

My last day I woke up super early so I could get to the Louvre. Naturally, I wanted to see the Mona Lisa. I’ll save you some time, go to google and google, “Mona Lisa Louvre” Go ahead, do that now. Looks chaotic right? Well, I got lucky because I have a European student card which means I get in for free. Almost every person there that morning was there to see the Mona Lisa, all the other cool things inside kind of get cast aside. Now I did get to see it because I was a least a foot taller than anyone else in there. The Mona Lisa is small; it’s protected by bulletproof glass and there is a perimeter set up so people can’t get to close. To me, definitely not worth. I didn’t spend a lot of time in the Louvre, but it is a cool place. It’s beautiful inside and out. There’s a little high-end shopping centre attached to the Louvre where you can get overpriced coffee from Starbucks (I went and bought a mug) When I got outside you can see everything that Paris has to offer. I apologise for the photos because the weather was less than cooperative.

Again I had one of those moments where I couldn’t believe where I was. The Tuileries Garden is right in front of the Louvre, it isn’t in bloom, but nevertheless, it’s beautiful. My next stop after the Louvre and Garden was to head to the second most iconic place in Paris, The Cathedral of Notre Dame. Yes, as a kid I watched Disney movies almost religiously. Anything new that came out on VHS I had to get. Mom and I had a bet, if I did well in school (which I did when I wasn’t busy being a badass) I’d either get McDonald’s or if I did really well, I’d get one of those Disney VHS and pretty much spend the weekend making sure I knew the movie inside and out. One of the first ones I got was The Hunchback of Notre Dame. If you’ve been following the blog from the beginning it is evident that I’m a nerd so this shouldn’t surprise you, I’ve read the book by Victor Hugo.

Pretty cool eh? I stood outside for a long time taking in the sights. Perhaps I stood out there too long as I kept getting approached people to take pictures of them in front of the Cathedral and tree. Going inside was surreal, again with it being Christmas time there were decorations and people everywhere. Inside you’ll find the history of the Cathedral and a line that if you follow it takes you right up and through to the catwalk overlooking Paris. I’m a little afraid of heights, and it is a tight squeeze, so I decided against it. From here I decided to go to one of a few Canadian bars in Paris, again at this point, I was just missing home. I don’t remember the name of the bar, but it’s super close to the cathedral. When I went in, I was surprised to find that the bartenders where expats and we chatted a little about Canada and how great Canada is, and how beautiful Canada is and how Canada is the best and Canada has the… We both missed home. The other bartender however was not as friendly. The one I was talking to said: “She’s been here so long she thinks she’s a Parisian.” I chuckled and then paid my tab and left. Let’s just say there is a difference between being French and being a Parisian.

I decided that I’d pass on going to the catacombs, just in case I had another panic attack (Haven’t had one since Rome.) So I went to indulge my massive sweet tooth and headed for Laduree. Now I’ve written about some real personal things on here, and I’m about to share something once again. Firstly, on my way there I swear to god I’ve never needed to pee so badly in my entire life. I couldn’t find a bathroom to save my life so I ended up taking a leak on someone’s boat. Not like going inside and using the bathroom, but like against their docked boat. I’m a terrible person I know. I was also heading to Laduree because, this is hard to admit but a lot of what I did in Paris sort of kind of reminded me of my ex and I knew that Laduree would be one of the things, had she been there, that she’d want to see. I have her gift wrapped in the bag I got from there. I don’t think she reads this anymore so like I won’t be ruining the “surprise.” I got there in record time and didn’t wet myself, so I deserved something, that something turned out to be four overpriced macaroons and an eclair. No, they did not make it back to the hostel.

I want to say this, the building looks pink, that’s because I spent some time editing the photo. It was raining, and the building looked like a shittier version of Ollivander’s wand shop from Harry Potter. Yes, I made that reference. When I got back to my room I took the best nap I’ve had in a long time, and I managed to get another blanket and just burrito myself in the corner. When I got up, I went for Chinese food again and hoped on the metro for one last glimpse of the Eiffel Tower and check out the Sacre-Coeur, which was bhind my Hostle. Here’s what I want to say about Paris before I post the next photos, its a great city with a lot of culture. I had a lot of “Wow” Moments, moments where I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. That being said, I don’t know if I’d recommend it if you’re travelling alone. It’s not exactly the most welcoming place. If you are keen on going alone, I’d suggest downloading “Couchsurfing” It’s an app that allows you to connect with people in your area and if you’re desperate for a place to stay some of the people can help you out and offer up their spare room or couch. I enjoyed my time there because I got to explore, I just got to be alone and be free, and I had a blast.

Just breathtaking and then theres this outstanding building. Sorry the photos not better, my phone died. Next post is on the way and just writing about it brings back this horrendous smell. Oh well stay tuned and thanks for reading.

When in Rome 🇮🇹 Pt. Ⅴ

I don’t feel like writing today. I don’t feel like doing anything, but I know that’s not the behaviour that will get me what I want. What I want is to not feel like this, and what I’m feeling is a little lost. Maybe the best way to put it is that I feel like I’m on an island with all the mistakes I’ve ever made. I happened across some saved text messages that made me feel like I’d just pushed a kid with cancer down the stairs. I apologize for the visual. I will continue to write THIS post because writing makes me feel like I’m doing something productive.

I mentioned in the last post that we’d be going to the catacombs. The catacombs of Rome are extensive and stretch on for kilometres and kilometres. A group of eight of us headed out for the Catacomb of St. Domitilla (Via delle Sette Chiese, 282, 00147 Roma.) I recommend this catacomb because it’s close and for €8 you get a tour guide and admission. The hours are 9am-12pm then 2pm-5pm.  From Termini you need to get on the B-line and get off at Piramide, that’s five stops. The catacombs are a place where early Christians used to bury their dead, and there was some worship that went on down there. They didn’t hide out in there, all the large rooms in Catacombs were used for rituals like mourning meals and some prayer.  The Romans were a Pagan society believing in many gods, and they were not all that open to anything that would threaten the Roman way of life. If you read the underlined sentence back, you’ll see that not a whole lot has changed in the world. This made persecuting early Christians a focus for some Roman Emperors. It was not until Constantine the Great, the first Roman Emperor to convert to Christianity that Paganism was done away with, in the Roman Empire. Constantine accepted Christianity due to a dream he had one night during the Battle of Milivian Bridge (Rome was in civil war.)  In the dream, he saw a cross with “in hoc signo vinces” inscribed in it. That translates to “In this sign, prevail” His army marched into battle with the symbol below painted on their shields, and they won. Okay, that’s enough history.

labarum_cross I’m not very good with tight spaces, and the people from ancient Rome were far smaller than we are now. In the Catacombs, you will feel like a giant. I’m 6′ ft… I tell people I’m 6’1, but I’m a fucking lier. St. Domitilla is home to an amazing church. Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling rebellious and didn’t take any photos. Seeing all the graves and the paints were something I don’t think I’ll ever forget. I’m fascinated with the faith of people. So these Catacombs are 30 meters underground. Tufa rock is a soft volcanic rock which made the digging of the Catacombs easy.  As mentioned before the Catacombs are small and we had about 30 people on tour with us. In one of the rooms I found myself in the corner and well I had a panic attack. It was the first one I had in about five months. Now I didn’t go running out, instead, I continued on the tour… It got worse. Two of my friends noticed and tried to calm me down. In the past, I’ve “needed” or wanted other people to do that but a few months ago my mom was in the hospital, and I had a panic attack while driving and almost crashed my car. Since then I’ve had to learn to calm myself down because no ones supposed to do it for me. When the tour was over I went over to one of the benches and sat down, it didn’t work, so I went outside. I asked my friends to wait, and they gave me some space. It wasn’t a severe attack, but I felt like everything was surrounding me, this sense of doom came over me, my hands were tingly and I felt like I couldn’t get any air. Panic attacks aren’t fun, but after about five minutes I calmed myself down. For me, this was the most significant victory of my trip. Around January of this year, I had them a lot, and a friend of mine put it in the nerdiest of ways of how to calm myself down. He said, “Think of it like Harry and the Dementors. Lupin said to think of the happiest thing and hold onto that.” I laughed, but it worked. I won’t say what I thought about, but it didn’t take long for it to work.

Now, this wasn’t my last day in Rome, but it’s where I will end this series of posts. Not because I’m tired of writing about Rome but its because the next day and a half we did nothing but walk and eat gelato. Saying goodbye to all of them was one of the harder things to do. You sort of build a bond and its tough to let go. However like I’ve said before travelling alone is the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m sorry there aren’t more photos in this post, but I promise when I go to Sweden in a couple of weeks there will be and when I eventually make it to France. ONCE again, thank you for reading. The next series of post will, I hope to be a short…ish story.

When in Rome 🇮🇹 Pt. Ⅳ

I’m beginning this post, and for the first time in a long time, my curtains are slightly open. Outside I see forest, powerlines and snow. That’s right, today October 28th, 2017 there is snow in Finland. We got about 5cm of snow the other day, I went from wearing shorts on Monday to fishing out my winter jacket on Tuesday. I like snow, I love the cold weather, just wasn’t ready for winter just quite yet. Oh, and I didn’t bring winter boots so I might end up falling and dying.

My view this morning, sorry this afternoon makes me miss Rome and the weather. I woke up a little groggy, late nights plus early mornings don’t make me very happy. The thought of going to the Vatican, however, was more than enough for me to get my ass out of bed. I’m not a Catholic, and I’m not religious but how cool is it that I get to visit one of the holiest places in the world. I’ve always had this dream of standing in St. Peter’s Square and just looking around. Going into the Sistine Chaple, visiting St. Peter’s Basilica and just observing all the art.

It isn’t a matter of debate that the early Catholic church was far from perfect.  The sale of indulgences paid for the construction of St. Peter’s Basilica and for a number of the paints and artwork that can be found in the Vatican itself. Indulgences were a way for a person who’d sinned to reduce the amount of punishment they received in the afterlife. It was pushed by the church and priests, amassing a handsome amount of money. It’s kinda cool to read about, and this is the behaviour that helped spark the Protestant Reformation. Alright before I have a history attack let me begin!

I met my friend from the night before for breakfast. She introduced me to a few other people that she’d been sitting with and we all decided that we’d go together to the Vatican. I had a tour at 2pm, and they didn’t but just being in the square was good enough for them. I’ve said to not do the tours, I stand by that, but I’ll talk about that a little later. The walk to the Vatican took about a million hours or at least that’s what it felt like. Make sure to do a lot of walking in Rome because you’ll pass an obscene amount of gelato shops, my recommendation is to stop at as many as possible. Chocolate, hazelnut, coffee, kinder, Nutella and tiramisu are all delicious. They’ve even got vegan options! Please ignore my ugly hands.

IMG_2696

Getting to the Vatican is simple, and when we got there, my friends decided to take a tour. This meant we had to split up. Inside I had the most unorganized tour guide and actually ended up with my friends …. until I got lost. Getting lost in the Vatican isn’t the worst thing in the world. It gives you the freedom to roam around and see everything. I liked it because I got to avoid some of the crowds. Feeling a little cramped in there is a pretty standard feeling.

The Sistine Chapel is one of the biggest draws as it should be. If I’m not mistaken, this is the sight of the papal conclave, where the new pope is chosen.   Its also home to the Last Judgment fresco painted by Michaelangelo. It’s that painting where God’s finger touches Adam’s. The Last Judgement is actually more than that, it tells the story of Jesus’ second coming and the final judgement of humanity. It truely is an amazing piece of artwork with a powerful message. When you’re in there you’re supposed to keep quiet and keep walking to the exit. You’re also not allowed to take photo’s, that didn’t stop some people, and it didn’t stop me. However with that being said, I don’t think I want to share that on the blog because it’s not the best photo. Google it, and you’ll get an incredible photo. Exiting is tricky especially if you don’t have a group or aren’t on a tour. To get to the basilica, you take the right-hand exit. You could make a left and view the Jesus Christ Museum, I took a left and then backtracked.

Once I got to the square, I ran into my friends that I thought I’d lost. We all went into St. Peter’s Basilica which is where these were taken. A lot of sins paid for that building and I’m glad they did. It is absolutely incredible, and naturally, there’s a photo of me being an ass. There are people from all over the world there. I met an elderly couple that made this visit their 50th wedding anniversary get-away. Can you believe that? 50 years with the same person that is just incredible.

IMG_2803IMG_2807They came to one of the holiest, most beautiful places on the planet to celebrate their love. So damn cool! As we got ready to leave there was one thing on my mind and that was getting my picture in the square. When you leave and get into the St. Peter’s Square it leaves you breathless. The beauty, the history, just everything about it is incredible.

Oh, this is the photo of me being an ass, I have one where I was making horns with my fingers so I could send it to my mom. She said that the devil wouldn’t be able to go to the Vatican… some of my friends said the same them. Well, I showed them!


Here (below) is the photo that I took from the entrance of the square. It’s not the greatest photo, but hey, all I’ve got is an iPhone. Sunday mass was being set up which is why there are barricades, at the very front there are chairs set up and a stage. IMG_2819That was my day at the Vatican. We’d done a lot of walking, so we took the metro back. I believed I’ve already said this but if you’re on the metro and happen to be standing near the door and you have a shoulder bag or purse, hold onto that thing. When we got onboard, a girl walked by and snatched this woman’s purse from her. Now the lady got off the train and rugby tackled the girl and hit her but I want to just tell you to hold onto your bag, so that doesn’t happen to you.

Arriving back at the hostel we all took much-deserved naps and showers. Then we convened for dinner at Mamma Angela (Via Palestro, 53, 00185 Roma)  I had lasagna again, but it was just as good as the first time I had it. We shared a bottle of wine, wine in Rome is cheaper than water (Seriously). The great thing about the restaurant we chose was that it was right across the street from the bar and the hostel I was staying at. So meeting up with some friends I made at breakfast was easy. The only problem was, they wanted to eat. Adventure time #2! Kidding, we found a place to eat, I had a drink and then walked around. I got to know some of the people a little better which was pretty cool.

At night make sure to be in a group because handling street peddlers is a lot easier in larger groups. Somehow we found an Irish bar… they’re everywhere, and we settled in for more drinks. Over drinks, we discussed our adventure for tomorrow as it would be some peoples last day. The catacombs of Rome are extensive and were on my list, so that’s what we planned for the next day. I’d later regret this, but that’s for the next post which will conclude the trip to Rome. Once again thanks for reading!

P.S forgot to mention, the Vatican, or Vatican City is technically their own country but you don’t have to bring your passport. If you’ve been let into Italy you’re allowed to visit the Vatican… after a long screening process. Have fun and safe travels!

The Westbound Train 🚉 Pt. 3

I can see trees outside and I know we’ll be stopping at another station soon. I used to take this train often. Toronto to Hamilton, my two favourite cities. One the posh booming metropolitan utopia the other working class up and comer. I loved it, they represented what I wanted and what I had to do to get there. I miss Hamilton and I try to get back there as often as possible. Take a stroll through the university campus, walk through Westdale, it just felt like home. I so badly wanted to move back here, raise my family, get married in St. Patrick’s, have my kids at McMaster Children’s Hospital, I had these plans for what I wanted my life to look like. It looks nothing like that. The train comes to a stop, we’re at Longbranch, I’m surprised to see people board the train. A young couple sits a few seats away. When the woman goes to sit she eases her way into the seat, she’s at least 7 months pregnant. She rests her hand on her stomach, its met by her husband’s, they share a look and kiss. They see me looking, I give a faint smile and open my book again. The train begins to move and just like that I can’t focus again. The young couple in front of me reminds me a lot of Nora and myself, not by the way they look but once upon a time she used to look at me like that. I try to focus on the page but I can’t, I keep seeing that look. I keep feeling her stare like she’s next to me, her hand on mine. I used to say that her hand fit perfectly in mine, it really did. When I close my eyes I can see her looking at me smiling. She used to do that when I’d edit photos, it made me smile and she always told me I needed to do that more.

I’ve given up on the book by the time we reach the next station. I just try and listen to some music while looking out the window. I can see the pregnant woman leaning on her husband. He kisses the top of her head and closes his eyes. We’ve left the city, we’re in that rural area just outside the GTA, its fields and trees. I can hear some children laughing upstairs as the song ends. I love when kids laugh, there’s something so perfect about it, so innocent and cute. It brings a smile to my face. It makes me remember Nora and I discussing having kids. It was a few months after we’d starting dating. She told me she wanted 4 kids, I told her I wanted 3. Her response was, “I have boobs, you’ll do whatever I want.” She wasn’t wrong. I remember the day she came home and told me that she was pregnant, I remember how both of us were over the moon. I also remember the day we went to the doctors for a check up, and I remember her saying the words that still haunt me today, “I don’t hear a heartbeat.” I can see Nora’s face; I can still see the tears streaming down her checks. It took her months to come out from the sadness that took over. Every time I kissed her I felt it, every time I hugged her she latched on longer. I’d squeeze, hold her and tell her that I was always going to be there, to protect her, to deliver her dream. I wanted so badly for her to feel better again, I just wanted that. I can vividly remember leaving the condo one night and walking along the boardwalk. I found myself sitting on a bench looking out into the vast darkness in front of me that was Lake Ontario. I sat there and started to pray, I asked god to make her dreams come true, to make all that sadness go away. Then I said, “If it comes at the price of my happiness, just… just make her happy.” Be careful for what you wish for.

When I moved to Sweden I was running, charging for the nearest exit. Within a few weeks of getting there I met Maria and we started dating. She was nothing like Nora, she was an introvert, a huge book worm, always behind a screen. She loved me and I’ll never forget the day I said “I love you” to her, I didn’t mean it. I cared for her, I enjoyed her, she was gorgeous, and seriously fit into my life very well. But I didn’t love her. I wanted to, I tried but I couldn’t. Every time I tried I would think about Nora. I would think back to when we broke up and how the summer it ended we tried to be friends. How we’d slip and say we missed each other, how on some level we thought we’d end up together again. We did grow apart and that just happens. The history we shared I think gave us both hope. Yeah when I think about it now I can see that there were definitely times where I thought she didn’t love me, but I know there were times where I definitely hurt her. On some level I was looking for that movie love. Being with Nora showed me that that kind of love only exists on the big screen. I close my eyes and lean my head against the window.

When my eyes open I can see we’re moving at a snail pace. We must be near the repairs. Earlier in the week a woman jumped onto the tracks. She was heading home from work where she was a researcher at a pharmaceutical company. I remember there was a big storm that day and the trains, and busses were backed up and being rerouted because of flooding. I was coming back from Milan where a friend of mine was getting married. I decided to grab coffee before I made my way to the cab. When I was waiting in line I saw the news story that someone had jumped onto the tracks along the Lakeshore West line, further adding to the already mounting traffic problem. Such a messy way to go is what I thought. My mom lives close to Pearson so I called her and asked if I could spend the night. I knew trying to get back into the city would be a nightmare. I called Maria after and left a message telling her I hoped she was on the train okay and that I’d be spending the night at my mom’s place.

I can see the repair crew tending to the tracks as the train crawls by. Some of the line needed repairing a while ago and this unfortunate event has provided an opportunity to do so. After we clear this stretch we’ll be in Hamilton in 20 minutes.

Walls and Waves 🌊

It still keeps me up

Not the guilt

Not the memories

Not the excitement

No.

The sadness

It comes in waves

Crashing against the foundations

Spilling over the sides

Battering the weather beaten walls

Each time the swell is larger than the last

But then there is peace, some quiet

The calm blue seas return

I can begin to shut my eyes

Let the crisp sea air fill my lungs

….

I’m rocked to sleep by a gentle breeze

The chaos is replaced by a soothing warmth

….

The spray wakens me

The crashing returns

Berating the walls

Waves spill over the tops

Water begins to flood in

I can swim but for how long?

It rushes in over the walls

Grey, Debris filled, Cold

But then the peace returns

The clouds vanish

The water warms

And

Floating towards me a picture

Its Water damaged, a boy a girl and a baby

The walls are crumbling

Brick by brick they float in the water

I hold the picture

I can see the clouds forming

I can hear the waves rolling in

Looking up I see the water

Its coming

I hold onto the picture

The boy the girl the baby

I place it next to my heart

The water slashes down on me the walls collapse

They give way and the water rushes in

I see nothing

I feel cold, empty, sad

I’m being washed away

The bricks, the debris, the cold water

The picture still in my hand

I should let go of it

My walls have come down

The ones I worked so hard to put up

They’re rebuilt everyday only to come down

They come down because everyday I miss her

Everyday something reminds me of that time

Everyday

My Walls come down

Everyday I try to rebuild them

Everyday theres some calm and some chaos

But everyday I miss you

Candles 🕯🕯🕯

They’re for celebration, wish making, for seeking hope in times of darkness. They light the way in time of darkness. Darkness. Because thats what we do, in those times of darkness we look for the light. Light means safety and safety is comforting.

When I think candles I think of birthday parties. One of the things I forget all the time about candles is how relevant they are in religious fixtures. I went to church the other day and at the pulpit someone was lighting candles. Why’d I go to church? I’m not a Christian, hell I’m not even religious. So it begs the question, why did I go to church? I’m in Finland and there are a number of churches around. I can just walk in and sit down and no one will even pay me any attention.

Can you tell that I’m avoiding the question?

I went because a few days ago I learned that at any moment you can have a brain aneurysm. You can be walking with your daughter to get ice cream and you can collapse and die and thats it. One minute you can be planning your wedding and then someones planning your funeral. In an instant everything you’ve done, everything you are, and everything that you were working towards can come to an abrupt end.

People die. I get it. People leave. I get it. Its part of gods plan. The older you get theres more of a chance that you’ve experienced loss. Some more painful than the other. Some leave you with a gapping hole in your chest that you try to fill anyway possible. Sometimes you lose people that you don’t care a lot about. Sometimes you lose the people closest to you. And sometimes you lose the people you need. Right now it feels like all of them.

Not a person I was overly close to, or at least not anymore. Not a person I’d move heaven and earth for, not a person I always felt I needed. So how can it feel like all 3? Because it was a person who I had hope for and in. A person that I looked up to. People die and they leave us behind to fill the void anyway possible. I’ve looked for a lot of things in my life to fill the void left by all the people that aren’t with me anymore. I haven’t tried organized religion, I won’t, not yet.

So I sat there and watched as the candle was lit. Delicately the candle was lit, and then another was lit and another all with the same stick. A steady hand and a little direction and soon candlelight filled the pulpit.

As one candle was extinguished another was lit, all it needed was a little guidance.

 

Tonight 🌓

It drapes over me like a robe

There is no warning

There are no precautionary steps

It’s rather melancholy

Its almost like a part of me

It is me

Each time it takes something different

Sometimes it’s slow and painful

Other times is quick and gruesome

Tonight it holds me captive, draped in this heavy robe

Locked in a room

It watches me struggle to get to the door

The weight from the robe is unbearable

I get to the door

It was never going to be that easy

As I reach for the handel

I’m dragged back to my chair

Handcuffed to the arms, my robe remains

Something cold runs across my face

Pain

Then the words

“You are all alone”

More pain as my fingernails are pealed off one by one

“You are no good” 

Left hook, right hook, the rattle of my teeth hitting the floor

“You should have killed yourself”

My shoes are taken off, the cold runs along my Achilles, more pain, torturous pain

I watch as blood pools at my feet

“I’m going to kill you, I’m going to make you suffer, I’m going to make you beg for me to end you”

The sound of bone breaking fills the room as something hard and wooden connects with my face

Blood can be heard dripping onto the floor

Drip

Drip

It’s shattering glass, I can’t see it, I can’t lift my head, my robe is to heavy

The chair, my throne, is dragged and I can see light

A door, wide open blinding me with light, hope and escape

The handcuffs are undone, I’m pulled to my feet

“If you get to the end you can go free. But you’re a mongrel, and a pathetic excuse for a man” 

Maybe I am

I don’t even know how this happened

I don’t know why this happened, or why it keeps happening

“You’ll get half way and you’ll beg like the dog that you are and ask me to kill you. You’ll beg.”

Maybe I will, maybe I should ask now

I’m alone, I’m in pain, if I was good I wouldn’t be in this position

Maybe I should, what’s a few more days or weeks or months or years of this pain? It’ll come to an end… right?

My arms are pulled out in front of me, a knife is run up my arms

More pain, more pain as salt is rubbed into the cavernous gashes

Beg

There is to much pain, I remain silent

My leg is pulled out in front of me

“This will hurt” 

The sound of my kneecap shattering is blood curling

As is my howl of pain

Please, why? Why is this happening?”

Laughter

“You can go, but I’m going to stand here; watch you struggle with that heavy robe, watch you crawl, watch you bleed, watch you cry in pain, listen to you beg, watch the glass cut you over and over. I’m going to watch you die, slowly and as painful as possible. It’ll just be me and you.” 

I should just take one of these shards as slit my throat

My body is broken

My mind is broken, I’m alone and I’m going to die here, where ever here is

I begin to crawl, each shard digs into my skin

Laughter

My eyes begin to close, I’m so tired, I’m so cold

I should ask, I should beg to die

The words don’t come out, I don’t think I want them too, I’m so close

I reach out and a sharp metal rod is driven deep into my outstretched hand

I’m stuck, I have to beg, I have to!

“Come on, beg you piece of shit! Beg your master!” 

Is that what I am? A slave to this perceived master?

Maybe I am

It’s not the first time I’ve been tortured like this

It’s not the first time I’ve been tasked with this fucking robe

Again, the words do not come out

I begin pulling my hand towards me, ripping through flesh and bone so I can keep moving

The laughter has stopped

“You stupid little bitch.” 

I’m getting closer and closer, I can feel the warmth of the light on my face

I look up

My head is driven into the glass, my eye goes black and pain shoots through my skull

I’m going to die

I’m not going to make it

I’m going to bleed out

I should beg my master…

No

“Now you’re half blind, and you’re bleeding out. Face it, you’re going to die here”

No

Laughter

I keep crawling

I haven’t bleed out yet, I’m going to make it

I reach out and rest my hand on cold damp concrete

I’m almost there

I inch my way closer and closer all the while ignoring the cursing coming from whatever else is in this room with me

I drag my dead leg across the last bit of glass

I’m pulled to my feet

“You should’ve begged”

It’s fingers dig deep into my chest, breaking the skin, slowly inching closer and closer to my beating heart

I feel the cold fingers grip around it

I don’t have anything left to give

“I’m not letting you leave.” 

Everything begins to go dark

These are my last breathes

My body broke, my mind wavered, I doubted myself but I made it

I didn’t give up

“You’re going to die here”

I’m going to die on my own terms.”

My body is broken

I’m tired

Maybe these are my last breathes

Maybe I will die here

Maybe I’ll live

Tonight I’ll live, that’s my choice

“This will happen again, I will…”

“Then know that there isn’t anything you can do, or say, to get me to beg you to end my life. Nothing” 

Laughter

Maybe I’m stupid

Or maybe I’m stubborn, resilient, determined, driven, focused, ready

My broken mangled body is placed into the light

I know it’ll heal

I know this isn’t over

There will be more pain, more suffering

But

I won’t give up

I learned that

Tonight 🌗