Finland Pt. 6 🇫🇮

As mentioned in the previous post, my laptop was stolen, along with some other things. I’m at home in Toronto, showered in a proper shower, slept in my big ass bed and played video games… sort of. I’ve been busy since I came home. Below you’ll find what I had written and saved; you’ll also see the rest of the post. I’d like to wish all the readers and followers a very Merry Christmas, and a joyous holiday season.

QWhile this post is entitled, “Finland Pt. 6” I thought about calling it “Comin’ Home.” Every time I came back home from university, I’d play “Comin’ Home” It’s a song by one of my favourite artist, City and Colour or Dallas Green. I saw him in concert a few summers ago, sang along to every song, and swayed to every slow song. I’ve been a huge fan of his for a long time, and I encourage you to youtube some of his music. In the song ‘Comin Home” he sings about coming home, about being on tour, knowing that it’s a cycle, but he misses home. The song also mentions a girl and the hardship of long-distance dating.  I’d play this song when I came home because it was aptly named and I liked to lean my head against the window and daydream out the window. Now I could relate to the song because long-distance dating is taxing. But now I think I can connect to it even more.

I came to Finland with a plan. Be a better Adel, do well in school, and get the girl. I’ve written about my ex on numerous occasions. A lot of the poetry and early writing is about her. I cannot express it in words but not only did she have a profound effect on me and push me to be better, but I’ve never loved someone more in my life. Even though it’s been a long time since our break up, I think about her, and I still do love and care for her. I needed this adventure more than I let on, not because of my break up, but because I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. I kept looking ahead, I’d propose to my girlfriend most romantically, we’d move in together, I’d get a career job, we’d live in the city blah blah blah kids, taxes and death. There is nothing wrong with trying to map out your life, but when you set it in stone, the chances of you becoming obsessed with it are pretty good. That’s where I was, and it’s why this break up has been hard for me. I’m not saying it was easy for her, breakups suck.

My plan for being out here went out the window because I hated it. Planning has its perks, but going with the flow and following your gut is pretty good too. I knew this experience would change me, not because everyone told me but because the signs are in a different fucking language! Something was going to change, and I was going to pick up words and customs. I like learning about different cultures and people, and I knew I’d try to learn as much as I could about Finns and Finland. I did that because it’s who I am. I’m a nerd, and I had a list of all these things I needed to see. I knocked down most of them, I saw Old Trafford, I visited the Guinness Brewery, I went to the cliffs of Moher and peered over the edge, I went to Rome alone and saw the Colosseum, I went to Paris apart and saw the Louvre and Eiffel Tower, and I went to Madrid and saw the Santiago Bernabeu Stadium. The last three might sound insignificant, but I did those alone. I do come off as confident, but I struggle with it all the time. But the amount of travelling I did alone just showed me that I need to take those risks. It also helped me reclaim my ability to be independant. It stopped being about someone else and just became about me. I didn’t forget, I could never, it just became more imprtant to look after myself. It’s what I’ve taken back from Finland. Personal growth is always something I can be proud of and nothing about the last 5 months have been easy.

Truth be told I miss Finland, I miss being on my own. It truly was the adventure of a lifetime and one that I’ll never forget. That there is the final photo I took in Helsinki. It is at the Christmas Market and I think its where I left my Christmas spirit.

Adventure Time 🇨🇦🇮🇸🇫🇮

In many ways I don’t even notice that I’m away from home. Most of the locals speak english and I’ll just say that trying to speak Finnish is not the easiest thing to do.

I still don’t have my luggage, so thats adding to a growing list of expenses, we also don’t have wifi. We however did get cell service today. So get this, you can buy unlimited data for 20 Euros …. Canada needs to step up their game.  Thats the prepaid type deal. To get an actual phone plan or even internet plan you need to be a Finnish citizen. Weird. Its also very quiet here. There isn’t a lot of background noise. No loud cars, no sirens, or airplanes. Its nice, peaceful and relaxing.

I’m happy and its so cool to be away, to be living in such a beautiful country. Putting things in my rearview mirror was nice. However there are somethings you just can’t run away from, or cast aside. If you’ve been following this blog you know where its heading. Its only been a few days, but the whole plane ride here she was on my mind, most of the day yesterday she was on my mind. We’ve been broken up for what feels like forever. Its something I’ve come to terms with. I’ve even come to terms with she might have started to fall out of love with me. Thats not something I want. But if theres one thing in life that I know for sure its, we don’t always get what we want. Its shit. In a year I might be with someone else, I might be alone, I might be with her, I might be here again, I don’t know. Theres a little excitement about that. Some sadness too. She might miss me right now but who knows. I miss her, thats all I know.

She’s a big part of my world. I’d really like if there was an off switch on the emotions I’m feeling. Or a pause button. It would be nice but its not the way the world works. I promised her that I’d come home to her, and I think about that all the time. I hope its a promise I can keep. I hope that I’ll be able to deliver on her dream … Thats all I’ve got though… a little bit of hope and a whole lot of stupid.

I’m here in Jyvaskala Finland. On the adventure of a life time… literally going to the grocery store was an experience. I’m here but I can’t help but think about what I’m going to be in 4 months.

The Runway 🛫

It’s a night like none other
Full of Ghouls and Goblins
There’s even some snow
Everyday of October has been a surprise
That I can’t deny
Tonight though I have something I need to share
It consumes me
I say the words over and over again

It’s a night like none other
Full of Witches and Mermaids
Everyone pretending to be something their not
Hiding behind masks
But then there’s you
No mask, no costume, no ghouls, goblins, witches or mermaids
Just you
Hair a mix of blonde and brown
A smile that masks the battle inside
Eyes the sweetest shade of brown

In a room full of monsters and fairy tale creatures

Its like its just me and you

Tonight I can feel the words in the pit of my stomach

I say them over and over again

It consumes me

I think about how you’ve become the sunrise to my once dark world

How no matter how dark and thick the clouds are

The sun rises

At nights’ end hovels and burrows lure their masters away

It truly is just me and you

Its well past midnight

This October will be like no other

Your lips are as sweet as your eyes

“I love you”

It isn’t perfect, it doesn’t even begin to explain

That I’ve been looking for you

Wanted this

Plan on building around you

Plan on loving you forever

It’s only October

That was what feels like forever ago

Now my bags are packed

My heart is heavy

And instead of loving you, I miss you

Reminiscing about what was

Thinking about not coming back to a life where the sun doesn’t shine through the clouds

My “I love you” wasn’t perfect

I’ll sit by the window

Watch as the plane leaves the ground

Feel my eyes grow heavy with tears

“I love you”

This October will be like none other

Because even though I’m Thousands of kilometers away

I’ll still love you

Goodnight 🌑

Goodnight
Nothing
Heavy eyes, restless thoughts and a broken heart
Only company is a dim computer screen
Eyes closed
Its not a dream, its a memory
“Goodnight honey”
Tears pool in the corners and fall onto the pillow
Theres no more honey
Goodnight
Nothing
Restless thoughts makes for a restless sleep
There aren’t any more dreams
Just
More memories
“Goodnight Baby. Love you”
Suddenly they all come flooding back
Tossing and turing
The tears on the pillow replaced by sweat
Over head the Ceiling fan providing a subtle break in the heat of the summer night
The sheets have been kicked away
Wide awake, laboured breathing
Heavy eyes filled with tears
It was a simple as
“Goodnight”

You ⚾️

The rain is unrelenting

Its cold and jagged

Thunder roars overhead and Lightning sets the sky ablaze

I can’t hear myself think

My shoes fill with water

Each step heavy and uncomfortable

“You look like you could use an Umbrella” 

I wipe away the long curly hair from my face and there you are

You smile and it makes me forget how cold I am

Your eyes make me forget that I’m drenched

You take my hand and I forget that its raining

“Lets get you out of the rain and somewhere warm”

Darling, I’ll go anywhere with you

You open the door and suddenly we’re out of the rain

“You can stay here for as long as you want”

And what if thats forever?

“Forever sounds lovely”

Darling, lovely is what you are

I’m drawn to the fireplace, I’m still shivering

You place a blanket over my damp cold body

You take your place right next to me

I don’t know how to thank you

I thought I’d be out there forever

You rest you head on my shoulder

Your eyes meet mine

My hand reaches for yours

“I don’t want you to let go, promise me you won’t”

I won’t

Now don’t you let get, that how I got out there in the first place

I wrap my arms around you

Home

“I hope its you”

Its you

“Then why are you leaving?”

Because theres something I need to do, something I need to find before I come home

To

You

“Then I’m going to love you until you’re home with me where you belong”

Belong?

“Out of the rain and home with me”

With

You

 

 

 

 

 

Tonight 🌓

It drapes over me like a robe

There is no warning

There are no precautionary steps

It’s rather melancholy

Its almost like a part of me

It is me

Each time it takes something different

Sometimes it’s slow and painful

Other times is quick and gruesome

Tonight it holds me captive, draped in this heavy robe

Locked in a room

It watches me struggle to get to the door

The weight from the robe is unbearable

I get to the door

It was never going to be that easy

As I reach for the handel

I’m dragged back to my chair

Handcuffed to the arms, my robe remains

Something cold runs across my face

Pain

Then the words

“You are all alone”

More pain as my fingernails are pealed off one by one

“You are no good” 

Left hook, right hook, the rattle of my teeth hitting the floor

“You should have killed yourself”

My shoes are taken off, the cold runs along my Achilles, more pain, torturous pain

I watch as blood pools at my feet

“I’m going to kill you, I’m going to make you suffer, I’m going to make you beg for me to end you”

The sound of bone breaking fills the room as something hard and wooden connects with my face

Blood can be heard dripping onto the floor

Drip

Drip

It’s shattering glass, I can’t see it, I can’t lift my head, my robe is to heavy

The chair, my throne, is dragged and I can see light

A door, wide open blinding me with light, hope and escape

The handcuffs are undone, I’m pulled to my feet

“If you get to the end you can go free. But you’re a mongrel, and a pathetic excuse for a man” 

Maybe I am

I don’t even know how this happened

I don’t know why this happened, or why it keeps happening

“You’ll get half way and you’ll beg like the dog that you are and ask me to kill you. You’ll beg.”

Maybe I will, maybe I should ask now

I’m alone, I’m in pain, if I was good I wouldn’t be in this position

Maybe I should, what’s a few more days or weeks or months or years of this pain? It’ll come to an end… right?

My arms are pulled out in front of me, a knife is run up my arms

More pain, more pain as salt is rubbed into the cavernous gashes

Beg

There is to much pain, I remain silent

My leg is pulled out in front of me

“This will hurt” 

The sound of my kneecap shattering is blood curling

As is my howl of pain

Please, why? Why is this happening?”

Laughter

“You can go, but I’m going to stand here; watch you struggle with that heavy robe, watch you crawl, watch you bleed, watch you cry in pain, listen to you beg, watch the glass cut you over and over. I’m going to watch you die, slowly and as painful as possible. It’ll just be me and you.” 

I should just take one of these shards as slit my throat

My body is broken

My mind is broken, I’m alone and I’m going to die here, where ever here is

I begin to crawl, each shard digs into my skin

Laughter

My eyes begin to close, I’m so tired, I’m so cold

I should ask, I should beg to die

The words don’t come out, I don’t think I want them too, I’m so close

I reach out and a sharp metal rod is driven deep into my outstretched hand

I’m stuck, I have to beg, I have to!

“Come on, beg you piece of shit! Beg your master!” 

Is that what I am? A slave to this perceived master?

Maybe I am

It’s not the first time I’ve been tortured like this

It’s not the first time I’ve been tasked with this fucking robe

Again, the words do not come out

I begin pulling my hand towards me, ripping through flesh and bone so I can keep moving

The laughter has stopped

“You stupid little bitch.” 

I’m getting closer and closer, I can feel the warmth of the light on my face

I look up

My head is driven into the glass, my eye goes black and pain shoots through my skull

I’m going to die

I’m not going to make it

I’m going to bleed out

I should beg my master…

No

“Now you’re half blind, and you’re bleeding out. Face it, you’re going to die here”

No

Laughter

I keep crawling

I haven’t bleed out yet, I’m going to make it

I reach out and rest my hand on cold damp concrete

I’m almost there

I inch my way closer and closer all the while ignoring the cursing coming from whatever else is in this room with me

I drag my dead leg across the last bit of glass

I’m pulled to my feet

“You should’ve begged”

It’s fingers dig deep into my chest, breaking the skin, slowly inching closer and closer to my beating heart

I feel the cold fingers grip around it

I don’t have anything left to give

“I’m not letting you leave.” 

Everything begins to go dark

These are my last breathes

My body broke, my mind wavered, I doubted myself but I made it

I didn’t give up

“You’re going to die here”

I’m going to die on my own terms.”

My body is broken

I’m tired

Maybe these are my last breathes

Maybe I will die here

Maybe I’ll live

Tonight I’ll live, that’s my choice

“This will happen again, I will…”

“Then know that there isn’t anything you can do, or say, to get me to beg you to end my life. Nothing” 

Laughter

Maybe I’m stupid

Or maybe I’m stubborn, resilient, determined, driven, focused, ready

My broken mangled body is placed into the light

I know it’ll heal

I know this isn’t over

There will be more pain, more suffering

But

I won’t give up

I learned that

Tonight 🌗

Sunshine ☀️ 

There are mornings where the sun shines through the curtains Filling the room with the beauty of outside 

Warm and inviting 

A new day

There are mornings where the sun shines through the curtains 

Filling my heart with hope 

Optimism and happiness 

Another chance 

There are mornings where I can’t face the sunlight 

It isn’t warm or inviting 

It’s a haunting reminder of what I lost 

It’s a new day, another chance

For me to look in the mirror and not recognize who’s looking back at me 

Dishevelled, messy, lost

It’s another chance for me to experience heart break 

It breaks every time I see the stranger in the mirror 

The longer I stare the more it breaks

It shatters 

The worst heart break is the heart break of losing yourself 

Looking in the mirror and feeling lost

Not recognizing the reflection in the mirror as the sun shines through the curtains